Alone: Innocence Lost

Come here. I have a game we can play. I be the husband and you be the wife. This is what you are suppose to do...As he grabbed my hand I did not know what to expect. As an 7 year old you do not think too much about your actions. It would happen periodically over a couple years before I gained the courage and knowledge to stop him. I felt horrible and disgusted with myself for allowing it to go on for so long. But he told me it was just playing house. Why won't you come play with me anymore he asks? Because I don't want to and if feels wrong I say. But it was only for fun he laughs. I go away and hide never forgiving myself for it. No actual intercourse but this form of manipulation still did damage. Damage to my innocence. How could I be so stupid? Mother to this day does not know what occurred almost 15 years ago. I am sorry mom for I have sinned. But why? Why should I be the only one apologizing? You were always working and us kids had to go to grandma's house. She was either smoking, complaining, or trying to get money so she could go play bingo. Why wasn't you there mom? I needed you and I was afraid. Afraid that if I told you you would see me as this terrible child and blame me for letting him take advantage of me. Then again, I know you could not protect me all the time. Am I to blame?...I am sorry God for I have sinned. I allowed someone to take away the very thing I was raised to hold dearest to me. I did not understand then what he was doing but I know now. I am ashamed and blame myself for what happened, though he was the only one who knew what he was having me do. It still haunts me but at least I do not have to see his face again for a very long time. He is in jail now for unrelated reasons. I guess I was foolish to think that my cousin telling me to come play a game was just that..a game.