Into the Darkness

This current state of mind is not healthy for me. How did I come back to this destructive mind set? I was doing well. Praying daily, reading daily, being honest with people and myself about how I feel. Though confusion would still cross my mind from time to time, I did not think I would ever reach this point of hopelessness. I need you Lord to help me fight this demon because it is trying to take over me. It wants to eradicate my existence. My left hand is lying motionless as my right hand grips the blade. One swift motion and all the guilt, pain, and fear will go away. Memories run through my head as I think about the loved ones I will be leaving behind. But then again maybe that is what I tell myself to not feel so horrible about my life. A way to give this life meaning. I love, care, and give but either it goes unnoticed, unappreciated, ridiculed, or taken advantaged of. How can one possibly stay motivated about life. I don't see anyone's else life being dramatically affected once I am gone. No sleep will be lost.